The Unique and the Useless, dose #3!

Puck

puck

  • Alter ego:                                 Eugene Milton Judd
  • Affiliation:                                Alpha Flight
  •                                                     Beta Flight
  •                                                     Gamma Flight
  •                                                     X-Force
  • Powers:                                    Superhuman strength
  •                                                     Agility
  •                                                     Reflexes
  •                                                     Durability
  •                                                     Skilled fighter
  • Species:                                    Human
  • 1st Appearance:                     Marvel Age #2             (Marvel)

Judd was a soldier of fortune, who traveled the world looking for adventures.  In one of those adventures, Judd tried to get the “Black Blade of Raazer.”   An evil spirit, Raazer was accidentally released from the blade.  In trying to defeat Raazer, Judd had to absorb him into his body.  This caused Judd to shrink from 7’0 to 3’6.  He still retained the strength of a 7’0 man but in a 3’6 body.  Containing Raazer in his body caused him to become immortal and in constant pain.

So Puck is the epitome of half a man, since he is half as his original size.  His signature move is to cartwheel around hitting people.  Hopefully he doesn’t get dizzy.  There has to be a better way to use superhuman strength other than cartwheel around.

Red Bee

red bee

  • Alter ego:                                 Richard Raleigh
  • Affiliation:                                All-Star Squadron
  •                                                     Freedom Fighters
  • Powers:                                    Carries a special “Stinger” gun
  •                                                     Uses trained bees
  • Species:                                    Human
  • 1st Appearance:                    Hit Comics #1              (DC Comics)

By day an Assistant District Attorney in Superior City, Oregon.  By night or whenever needed a welder of trained bees.  Trusty “stinger gun” by his side he lives to fight Nazi’s and gangsters.  His secret weapon, his favorite bee Michael who lives in his belt buckle, only to appear for special circumstances.  I am not sure how you would train a bee,  Bee’s live about 6 weeks, sting once then die.  Maybe these are special attack bee’s.  Born with the innate ability to listen to a guy in red and yellow spandex.  They don’t have to sting after all that is what the “stinger gun” is for.

Cypher

cypher

  • Alter ego:                                 Douglas Aaron “Doug” Ramsey
  • Affiliation:                                New Mutants
  •                                                     Hellions
  •                                                     X-Force
  •                                                     X-Men
  • Powers:                                    Omni-lingual
  • Species:                                    Human
  • 1st Appearance:                    New Mutants vol. 1 #13           (Marvel Comics)

Cypher can translate any language, written or verbal, human or alien, even computer.  During fights he would hide behind a tree or whatever was around.  He considered himself useless as a mutant.  He was most unpopular mutant.  Even the guys that did wrote and illustrated the comics didn’t like him.    He did have nice hair (I had to say one nice thing about him).

Hindsight

hindsight

  • Alter ego:                                  Carlton LaFroyge
  • Affiliation:                                 New Warriors
  • Aliases:                                      Hindsight Lad
  • Powers:                                     None
  • Species:                                     Human
  • 1st Appearance:                     Avengers West Coast (Vol. 2) #46       (Marvel Comics)

Hindsight can research and analyze events in hindsight.  So after it has happened this guy can do research and tell you what went wrong.  Ok, so can everyone else.  Not sure this needs much more explanation.

Jubilee

Jubileedecimation

  • Alter ego:                                 Jubilation “Jubilee” Lee
  • Affiliation:                                Forgiven
  •                                                     New Warriors
  •                                                     X-Men
  •                                                     X-Corps
  •                                                     Generation X
  •                                                     Xavier Institute
  • Powers:                                    Ability to project brightly colored pyrotechnics from her
  •                                                     fingers.
  • Species:                                    Human
  • 1st Appearance:                    X-Force #116 – Exit Wounds               (Marvel Comics)

Jubilee can make fireworks from her fingers.  She is great to have around during parties and especially the 4th of July.  She could control the fireworks through mental control.  Direct them where to go, how to form and when to detonate.  Jubilee has gone through several remakes, from mutant to de-powered human and finally vampire.  Now as a vampire she can be pretty powerful as long as it is a night and no garlic, silver or crosses are around.  I wonder if the brightly colored pyrotechnics of her former self would damage her current self.  That would be irony at its best.

Dose number three of the utter absurdity lambasted upon us by those who felt we were inane enough to buy into this insanity.  I am sure there will be more.  There is a lot of WTF out there.

S.H.E.I.L.D.

With the upcoming debut of the television series, Agents of SHEILD, maybe we should take a look at this Marvel group.

S.H.E.I.L.D.

  •                                    Supreme Headquarters, International Espionage,  Law-Enforcement
  •                                    Division (original)
  •                                     Strategic Hazard Intervention Espionage Logistics Directorate (1991)
  •                                     Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division
  •                                     (current)

1st appearance              Strange Tales #165

MarvelShield comic

S.H.E.I.L.D. is a fictional intelligence agency in the Marvel Universe.  First introduced in 1965 in Strange Tales, Nick Fury Agent of S.H.E.I.L.D. made his debut.  S.H.E.I.L.D. was Marvels attempt to stay competitive.  Secret fictional intelligence agencies were popular on television and in the movies, Marvel wanted to make sure that they also had something to offer.  For the last 48 years, S.H.E.I.L.D. has made appearances in the Marvel universe.  They have had their ups and downs; executive directors have come and gone.   Agents have joined, quit, and died but it has never been dull.

S.H.E.I.L.D. was the brainchild of Nick Fury.  As WW2 came to a close an idea was born to form a secret organization that would protect the world from terrorism and superhuman threats.  A draft was formulated but Fury decided that the US government would not approve that type of a clandestine group.  He locked his draft away and that was that.  Or so he thought, the UN had different ideas.  When HYDRA came calling the UN implemented Fury’s’ plan and S.H.E.I.L.D. was born.  Fury had no idea this was happening.  Colonel Rick Stoner was the first executive director of S.H.E.I.L.D. but his tenure was short lived.  When HYDRA assassinated Stoner, Colonel Nick Fury was recruited to become the second executive director of S.H.E.I.L.D.  While Fury was the executive director of S.H.E.I.L.D., he actually reports to a mysterious 12 member board that gives him his orders.  It is up to Fury how those orders are implemented.

S.H.E.I.L.D. eventually grows into the world’s most powerful covert organization.  Able to work covertly with governments and superhero’s and still maintain deniability.  While at inception this was suppose to walk on the right/moral side of things and for a time it was.  All good things come to an end and it was discovered that S.H.E.I.L.D. and HYDRA had fallen into the hands of the LMD.

So now a small detour into the LMD.  Life Model Decoy, LMD, was designed by S.H.E.I.L.D.  LMD are extremely lifelike androids that take the place of a person. Developed to protect people that were in imminent danger.  That person can speak thru, see thru and completely control the LMD.  If you have seen the movie Surrogates, that is pretty much it except, somewhere along the line they became sentient.     The group of sentient LMD’s became known as Deltites.

S.H.E.I.L.D. is taken over by the Deltites and hunt Fury.  Eventually, it is shown that many of the agents had been replaced by Deltites, but the damage was done.  S.H.E.I.L.D. infrastructure and personnel were destroyed and as a result Fury disbanded it.  Fury felt in its current configuration it was too easy to subvert from within its own ranks.  Fury did rebuild S.H.E.I.L.D., but as a smaller more manageable, streamline agency.  After overcoming several skirmishes, included his death, or more specifically the death of his LMD, at the hands of Punisher.  Fury was able to rebuild his alliances with the super hero community.  Together they launch a covert assault on Latveria.  Latveria reciprocates by attacking back which results in Fury’s removal as director of S.H.E.I.L.D.  Since Fury uses the Infinity Serum, he still has ties to S.H.E.I.L.D. and currently is the only “33rd degree” S.H.E.I.L.D. officer.  In other words, he knows more than everyone put together has forgotten or will ever know.

Maria Hill takes over S.H.E.I.L.D. after Fury is removed.  This was done for two reasons.   First to keep people loyal to Fury out of power since Hill was not close to Fury.  Second, since Hill was American, she would be loyal to USA even though S.H.E.I.L.D. is a UN entity.  It was later revealed that she was only chosen so she could fail.  This is also the time of the passage of the Superhuman Registration Act and subsequent Civil War.   Not only was S.H.E.I.L.D. the enforcer of the Act, they were also tasked with accepting registered super humans as operatives.  As Civil War ends, Tony Stark becomes director.

This pretty much brings us to where we need to be as S.H.E.I.L.D. relates to the movies and ultimately to the TV series.

Agents_of_SHIELD_logo tv

There have been 9 directors of S.H.E.I.L.D.

  • Colonel Rick Stoner
  • Colonel Nick Fury
  • Timothy “Dum Dum” Dugan
  • G. W. Bridge
  • Sharon Carter (Agent 13)
  • Maria Hill
  • Anthony Edward “Tony” Stark (Iron Man)
  • Norman Osborn
  • Captain Steve Rogers

As you can see by the directors of S.H.E.I.L.D., the majority of S.H.E.I.L.D. agents are human. That is not to say that S.H.E.I.L.D. does not use or included super humans in their ranks.   There have been a few attempts to form teams of superhuman agents.  They did not meet with great success.  S.H.E.I.L.D. does have a team of Psi-Division, that uses telepathic agents to deal with the psi threats they encounter.  S.H.E.I.L.D. is very closely tied to the super hero community.

Originally S.H.E.I.L.D. was organized in an eight tiered structure:

  • technician
  • administrator
  • field agent
  • regional officer
  • special officer
  • regional director
  • special director
  • executive director

Currently S.H.E.I.L.D. is organized into Level One to Level Ten.  However, that really isn’t the whole thing, there are special people that may have a special designation of Champion Status.  This allows them the right to assemble a team to carry out any mission they believe necessary.

S.H.E.I.L.D. is headquartered in a Helicarrier.  A massive flying aircraft carrier that is kept airborne at all times.   A flying city that functions both as a home and a headquarters.

How Agents of S.H.E.I.L.D. will fit into the S.H.E.I.L.D. universe is anyone’s guess.  The series centers around a group of human agents that deal with superhuman issues.  There are none of the staple super heroes in the show, although it does tie into “The Avengers.”  So it seems this will be a new branch on the S.H.E.I.L.D. tree.  Only time will tell how good or bad the series will be and how many artistic licenses are used.  That Agent Coulson is still alive after being killed off by Loki leads one to believe that nothing is off limits.

Agents_of_SHIELD_logo tv2

The Unique and the Useless, the next dose!

Color Kid

color

  • Alter ego:                                Ulu Vakk
  • Affiliation:                              Legion of Super Heroes
  •                                                  Legion of Substitute Heroes
  • Powers:                                   Change the colors of people and objects
  • Species:                                   Lupran
  • 1st Appearance:                       Adventure Comics #342         (DC Comics)

Color Kid was struck by a multi-color beam of light from another dimension.  This gave him the ability to change the color of just about anything.  Little is know about the limits of his power or how permanent it is.  There can be a case made for a temporary use of this power IE changing a color to confuse an enemy: reverse the color of the sky and the ground.   This would have to be limited to a very specific area.  If it were allowed to be used over a large area, the bad would far outweigh the good.  Think, planes.

He did have one stellar moment in comic book history when he changed the krypton cloud surrounding the earth from green to blue.  Allowing Superboy and Supergirl to return to earth and wrecking havoc for the Bizarro clan.

Doorman

doorman

  • Alter ego:                                DeMarr Davis
  • Affiliation:                              Great Lakes Champions
  •                                                   GLX-Men
  •                                                   Great Lakes Avengers
  • Aliases:                                    The Living Portal
  • Powers:                                   Portal generation
  •                                                    Ability to bring souls to the afterlife
  • Species:                                   Human
  • 1st Appearance:                   Avengers West Coast (Vol. 2) #46     (Marvel Comics)

Doorman allowed a person to teleport from one room to the next.  He did this by pressing himself against a wall creating a portal to the next room.  If you need to enter the room next door and happen to not have a key, then Doorman would be really handy to have around.  However, explaining how come this guy is hanging around all the time in case you need to make a quick escape could provide arduous.

In his defense, his power did evolve into something quite a bit more useful.  Doorman sacrificed himself so Mr. Immortal could fight Maelstrom.  In doing so he gained the ability to take souls to the afterlife.  This power is quite a bit better but has not really been explored.

Stone Boy

stone boy

  • Alter ego:                                Dag Wentim
  • Affiliation:                               Legion of Super-Heroes
  •                                                    Legion of Substitute Heroes
  • Powers:                                   Ability to turn his body into stone
  • Species:                                   Swenian
  • 1st Appearance:                   Adventure Comics #306         (DC Comics)

Stone Boy can turn his body into stone.  At first glance that sounds like it could be good, except and this is a big except, while he is stone he cannot move.  So he makes a good anchor or something to drop on people.  He did eventually learn to turn only pieces of himself into stone but it was not reliable.  His ability to transform into stone can be traced to his home world’s where he had to hibernate to survive the six month long nights.

Squirrel Girl

Squirrel_Girl

  • Alter ego:                                Doreen Green
  • Affiliation:                              Great Lakes Avengers
  •                                                  New Avengers
  • Aliases:                                    Rodent
  • Powers:                                   Squirrel-like abilities
  •                                                   Superhuman agility and strength
  •                                                   Prehensile tail
  •                                                    Ability to communicate with squirrels
  • Species:                                   Human
  • 1st Appearance:                   Avengers West Coast (Vol. 2) #46     (Marvel Comics)

Squirrel Girl’s ability to call squirrels to aid her isn’t exactly the coolest power but it could come in handy.  With an army of squirrels, enemies can be overwhelmed by sheer numbers, think Ben (rats …. squirrels not too much difference).   She did defeat Deadpool.  So the sheer number of rodents she is willing to sacrifice does allow her to come out on top.  She does have some skill at martial arts due to her squirrel like reflexes.  So she can be formidable if there are a large number of squirrels around.  Hopefully, she carries a lot of flea spray.

Gin Genie

gin

  • Alter ego:                                Rebecca “Beckah” Parker
  • Affiliation:                              X-Force
  • Powers:                                  Attractive Female
  •                                                 Blast Power
  •                                                 Earth Manipulation
  •                                                 Vibration Wave
  • Species:                                   Human
  • 1st Appearance:                      X-Force #116 – Exit Wounds             (Marvel Comics)

Gin Genie can cause the ground to shake with seismic vibrations, which would be good except…why is it that all the excepts usually turn a decent power into something useless.  Now back to the except….she must drink alcohol to make the seismic vibrations powerful.  So a drunk super hero that makes the ground shake.  Doesn’t the ground usually seem to be moving when you are drunk?  So there it is an alcoholic superhero.  How did that ever seem like a good idea.

So there is the next dose of the utter absurdity lambasted upon us by those who felt we were inane enough to buy into this insanity.  How many doses there will be is up in the air, about the time I think that has to be it, I find something else and think WTF.

The Unique and Useless

When you hear superhero you immediately think of Superman or Batman or any number of other heroes with cool super powers.  There are a lot of those out there:  super strength, spidey senses, indestructible bones and claws, alien rings, and good old human technology.   But have you ever thought that ripping your arms off to use as weapons or being able inflate your body so you can bounce like a ball would be a good super power.  Someone has and not only did someone think of them but thought it would be a good idea to make a comic about it.  So let’s take a look at some of these unique and useless super powers.

Arms-Fall-Off-Boy 

arms

  • Alter ego:                                Floyd Belkin
  • Affiliation:                               Legion of Super Heroes
  •                                                  Heroes of Lallor
  • Powers:                                   Detaches limbs to use as clubs
  • Aliases:                                    Splitter
  • 1st Appearance:                     Secret Origins Vol. 2 #46       (DC Comics)

Even though he is affiliated with the Legion of Super Heroes, he was never really part of the Legion of Super Heroes.  Floyd was an applicant twice and rejected twice.   Now let’s think about this super power for a second….you rip off your arm and hit someone with it, giving you only one arm to work with.  So while you are swinging your arm the villains pummel you with their fists, seeing as they have two arms.   Maybe they will fall over laughing, smack their head on the concrete giving them self a concussion and pass out.    No wonder he never made it into the Legion of Super Heroes.

Matter-Eater Lad 

matter

  •  Alter ego:                                 Tenzil Kem
  • Affiliation:                                 Legion of Super Heroes
  • Powers:                                     Able to bite thru and consume all matter
  • Species:                                     Bismoll
  • 1st Appearance:                       Adventurer Comics #303        (DC Comics)

Matter-Eater Lad, as well as all natives of Bismoll, can eat all matter, including those that are indestructible.  Bismollian’s developed this ability due to microbes that made all food inedible so they evolved to be able to ingest anything and everything.  Maybe they possess goat DNA, goats seem to have the same ability.  I don’t even want to think about how they would get rid of all of the matter that they ate, since he eats super speed.  One has to wonder and all I can say is just EWWWW.   Matter-Eater does not appear very often, how to make his power useful is a challenge and back to EWWWWW.

Matter- Eater does have one shining moment.  In Superboy and The Legion of Super-Heroes #25 he consumes the indestructible Miracle Machine and saves the universe.  The machine makes him insane but fear not he is cured by Brainiac Five.

 Bouncing Boy

bouncing

  •  Alter ego:                                Charles Foster Taine
  • Affiliation:                                Legion of Super Heroes
  • Powers:                                    Inflates body and bounces like a ball, resistant to injury,
  •                                                   Invulnerable to electricity while bouncing
  • Species:                                    Human
  • 1st Appearance:                       Action Comics #276   (DC Comics)

Bouncing boy is an accidental super hero.  He drank what he thought was soda but was actually super plastic formula.  Since they weren’t too many applications for this power they made him a teacher.  He spent the majority of his time training recruits at the Legions Academy.  Can you imagine hearing this:   “Stop or I will bounce on you.”  or “Come BOING catch me BOING, I can BOING bounce circles BOING around you.”  Couldn’t the villains just pop him like a balloon?   As George Bernard Shaw wrote:  He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.  Lets leave it at that.

Jazz

jazz

  • Alter ego:                                 John Arthur Zander
  • Affiliation:                                Legion of Super Heroes
  • Powers:                                    Blue skin
  • Species:                                    Human
  • 1st Appearance:                       District X #2   (Marvel Comics)

I don’t even know what to say about this.  Blue skin as a super power, oh wait he is also an aspiring rapper.  If his rapping is as good as his super power he has a serious problem.  There is nothing that I can think of that would make blue skin a useful super power.  Time to move on.

Danny the Street

danny

  •  Alter ego:                                None
  • Affiliation:                                Doom Patrol
  •                                                   Teen Titans
  • Powers:                                    Teleportation
  • Aliases:                                     Danny the World, Danny the Brick, Danny the Island,
  •                                                   “Danny the Alley”
  • 1st Appearance:                       Doom Patrol vol. 2, #35          (DC Comics)

Danny is actually a street.  He serves as a home and haven to the outcast and strange.    He can integrate himself into a city without causing damage or disturbance.  The city just makes room for him.  He does this when no one is looking so no one will notice.  So not only do we have to believe that there is such a thing as a sentient and sapient piece of road but that cities are cognizant enough that they just move out of his way and allow him to join in.  Now if this wasn’t enough, Danny is a transvestite street.  His street is lined with hyper masculine stores decorated with pink curtains and lace.  He communicates by signs placed in his windows, type-written messages and letters formed out of manhole vapors or broken glass shards.  So if you can get someone to walk on him while discussing some super secret plan for world domination, it is possible he can teleport away and get …insert favorite super hero here… and give him a message spelled out in manhole vapors and save the world.   Yea, we will all believe that scenario.

So as not to make your eyes bleed with the utter absurdity lambasted upon us by those who felt we were inane enough to buy into this insanity.  It will be broken up into small doses.