The Unique and Useless

When you hear superhero you immediately think of Superman or Batman or any number of other heroes with cool super powers.  There are a lot of those out there:  super strength, spidey senses, indestructible bones and claws, alien rings, and good old human technology.   But have you ever thought that ripping your arms off to use as weapons or being able inflate your body so you can bounce like a ball would be a good super power.  Someone has and not only did someone think of them but thought it would be a good idea to make a comic about it.  So let’s take a look at some of these unique and useless super powers.

Arms-Fall-Off-Boy 

arms

  • Alter ego:                                Floyd Belkin
  • Affiliation:                               Legion of Super Heroes
  •                                                  Heroes of Lallor
  • Powers:                                   Detaches limbs to use as clubs
  • Aliases:                                    Splitter
  • 1st Appearance:                     Secret Origins Vol. 2 #46       (DC Comics)

Even though he is affiliated with the Legion of Super Heroes, he was never really part of the Legion of Super Heroes.  Floyd was an applicant twice and rejected twice.   Now let’s think about this super power for a second….you rip off your arm and hit someone with it, giving you only one arm to work with.  So while you are swinging your arm the villains pummel you with their fists, seeing as they have two arms.   Maybe they will fall over laughing, smack their head on the concrete giving them self a concussion and pass out.    No wonder he never made it into the Legion of Super Heroes.

Matter-Eater Lad 

matter

  •  Alter ego:                                 Tenzil Kem
  • Affiliation:                                 Legion of Super Heroes
  • Powers:                                     Able to bite thru and consume all matter
  • Species:                                     Bismoll
  • 1st Appearance:                       Adventurer Comics #303        (DC Comics)

Matter-Eater Lad, as well as all natives of Bismoll, can eat all matter, including those that are indestructible.  Bismollian’s developed this ability due to microbes that made all food inedible so they evolved to be able to ingest anything and everything.  Maybe they possess goat DNA, goats seem to have the same ability.  I don’t even want to think about how they would get rid of all of the matter that they ate, since he eats super speed.  One has to wonder and all I can say is just EWWWW.   Matter-Eater does not appear very often, how to make his power useful is a challenge and back to EWWWWW.

Matter- Eater does have one shining moment.  In Superboy and The Legion of Super-Heroes #25 he consumes the indestructible Miracle Machine and saves the universe.  The machine makes him insane but fear not he is cured by Brainiac Five.

 Bouncing Boy

bouncing

  •  Alter ego:                                Charles Foster Taine
  • Affiliation:                                Legion of Super Heroes
  • Powers:                                    Inflates body and bounces like a ball, resistant to injury,
  •                                                   Invulnerable to electricity while bouncing
  • Species:                                    Human
  • 1st Appearance:                       Action Comics #276   (DC Comics)

Bouncing boy is an accidental super hero.  He drank what he thought was soda but was actually super plastic formula.  Since they weren’t too many applications for this power they made him a teacher.  He spent the majority of his time training recruits at the Legions Academy.  Can you imagine hearing this:   “Stop or I will bounce on you.”  or “Come BOING catch me BOING, I can BOING bounce circles BOING around you.”  Couldn’t the villains just pop him like a balloon?   As George Bernard Shaw wrote:  He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.  Lets leave it at that.

Jazz

jazz

  • Alter ego:                                 John Arthur Zander
  • Affiliation:                                Legion of Super Heroes
  • Powers:                                    Blue skin
  • Species:                                    Human
  • 1st Appearance:                       District X #2   (Marvel Comics)

I don’t even know what to say about this.  Blue skin as a super power, oh wait he is also an aspiring rapper.  If his rapping is as good as his super power he has a serious problem.  There is nothing that I can think of that would make blue skin a useful super power.  Time to move on.

Danny the Street

danny

  •  Alter ego:                                None
  • Affiliation:                                Doom Patrol
  •                                                   Teen Titans
  • Powers:                                    Teleportation
  • Aliases:                                     Danny the World, Danny the Brick, Danny the Island,
  •                                                   “Danny the Alley”
  • 1st Appearance:                       Doom Patrol vol. 2, #35          (DC Comics)

Danny is actually a street.  He serves as a home and haven to the outcast and strange.    He can integrate himself into a city without causing damage or disturbance.  The city just makes room for him.  He does this when no one is looking so no one will notice.  So not only do we have to believe that there is such a thing as a sentient and sapient piece of road but that cities are cognizant enough that they just move out of his way and allow him to join in.  Now if this wasn’t enough, Danny is a transvestite street.  His street is lined with hyper masculine stores decorated with pink curtains and lace.  He communicates by signs placed in his windows, type-written messages and letters formed out of manhole vapors or broken glass shards.  So if you can get someone to walk on him while discussing some super secret plan for world domination, it is possible he can teleport away and get …insert favorite super hero here… and give him a message spelled out in manhole vapors and save the world.   Yea, we will all believe that scenario.

So as not to make your eyes bleed with the utter absurdity lambasted upon us by those who felt we were inane enough to buy into this insanity.  It will be broken up into small doses.

Advertisements